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A QUICK JOKE


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#1 jasper

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Posted 22 September 2004 - 01:34 PM

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."


A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."


Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't
serve food in here."

Edited by jasper, 22 September 2004 - 01:35 PM.

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#2 Galadriel

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Posted 22 September 2004 - 01:37 PM

LOL!
I amar prestar aen. Han mathon ne nen. Han mathon ne chae. A han noston ne 'wilith. - Galadriel

'The world is changed; I can feel it in the water, I can feel it in the earth, I can smell it in the air.'


RIP Blacksheep - I love you!

#3 Trilobite

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Posted 22 September 2004 - 02:15 PM

Here is something to think about…

The next time you go to boot up windows, unplug your keyboard.

You will get an error message stating that the keyboard is not detected.

Then it says "Press any key to continue”. :rolleyes:

#4 wreck

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Posted 22 September 2004 - 02:17 PM

Galadriel, you are easily amused in your old age! ;>) LOL
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight -- it's the size of the fight in the dog."

#5 jasper

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Posted 22 September 2004 - 02:20 PM

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer, please, and one for the road."


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"


"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."


Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

Edited by jasper, 22 September 2004 - 02:21 PM.

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#6 Nytron

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Posted 22 September 2004 - 08:23 PM

:p :D :huh: :lol: :ph34r:

#7 Zero

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Posted 22 September 2004 - 08:54 PM


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"

View Post


ha ha.

#8 Trilobite

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Posted 23 September 2004 - 03:32 PM


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"

View Post


ha ha.

View Post


Do you think if the second hydrogen atom looses it’s electron too, the first hydrogen atom would find other one more repulsive?

Edited by Trilobite, 23 September 2004 - 03:45 PM.


#9 jasper

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Posted 23 September 2004 - 03:55 PM

Some in the States may say this is incorrect, but it is how it was heard over here.

VERY WEIRD


Subject: Fw: Read This it's nuts .....only in america

Do you believe this one?


At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science,
AAFS President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience
with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of
Ronald Opus
and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.
Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending
to commit suicide.

He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.
As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun
blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety
net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect
some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been
able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "Someone who sets out to
commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the
mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing
suicide."
That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably
would not havebeen successful because of the safety net, caused the
medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated,
was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing
vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so
upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife
and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in
the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B."

When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife
were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun
was not loaded.

The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his
wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her.

Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that
is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the
fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her
son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his
father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the
expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of
the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death
of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist.

Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.

He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt
to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story
building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing
through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself
so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

A true story from Associated Press, (Reported by Kurt
Westervelt)
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#10 wreck

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Posted 23 September 2004 - 04:24 PM

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science,
AAFS President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience
with the legal complications of a bizarre death.


Great story, but I would bet that this tale was given as a ponderous "what if" instead of an actual true news story!

Posted Image
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight -- it's the size of the fight in the dog."

#11 jasper

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Posted 26 September 2004 - 08:59 AM

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at, either.



Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.



A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed...is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."



I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.




I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."




I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.



Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat
it too.



Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
:lol:

Edited by jasper, 26 September 2004 - 09:00 AM.

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#12 jedi

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Posted 26 September 2004 - 09:16 AM

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says
'sorry, we don't serve pieces of string in here'

So the piece of string goes outside, tangles himself up a bit, fluffs himself out at one end, goes back into the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender looks hard at him and says
'are you a piece of string?'

'no' says the piece of string
'I'm afraid not'
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#13 jasper

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Posted 26 September 2004 - 01:54 PM

:lol: I liked that one.
How about this.

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf...
Unfortunately the wife promptly hacked her first
shot right through the window of the biggest
house adjacent to the course. The husband
cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll
have to go up there, find the owner, apologize,
and see how much your lousy drive is going to
cost us."

So, the couple walked up to the house and
knocked on the door a warm voice said, "Come
on in."

When they opened the door they saw the
damage that was done: glass was all over the
place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on
its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the
people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the
husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually, I want to
thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been
trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant
three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if
you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He
pondered a moment and blurted, I'd like a million
dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's
the least I can do. And, I'll guarantee you a long,
healthy life!"

"And now, you, young lady, what do you want?"
the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home
complete with servants in every country in the
world," she said.

Consider it done," the genie said. "And your
homes will always be safe from fire, burglary, and
natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's
your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and
haven't been with a woman in more than a
thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee,
honey, you know we both have a fortune and all
those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said,
"You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't
mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you, sweetheart,"said the
husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So, the genie and the woman went upstairs
where they spent the rest of the afternoon
enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie
rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and
asked,

"How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded,
breathlessly . . . .

"No Kidding. Thirty-five years old and both of you
still believe in genies?"
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#14 christiaan

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Posted 27 September 2004 - 01:24 AM

LOL.


"No Kidding. Thirty-five years old and both of you
still believe in genies?"


Expensive window.
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#15 Jaxx

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Posted 27 September 2004 - 05:10 AM

Hey Jasper :lol:

This is a great one!

Greetings Jaxx

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Bauchtanz Schule Zurich


#16 jasper

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Posted 28 September 2004 - 12:49 PM

2 TOUGH QUESTIONS

Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who
were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
syphilis,would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He's
had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a
day.

Candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C.
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an
occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.Which of these candidates
would be your choice? Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for
the
response.


Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said
YES,
you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading...

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember: Amateurs...built the ark.
Professionals...built the Titanic

And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more
than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 1! 4 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...
Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that
cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us
in line.
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#17 ~Ayeka~

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Posted 30 September 2004 - 02:54 PM

Hi Jasper,
That was a great post.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

Indeed! :D

#18 jasper

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Posted 05 October 2004 - 02:52 PM

Exclusive Classes for Men and Women

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME! OPEN TO MEN ONLY!


Evening classes for men. Starting this month!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents,
each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.


Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide
presentation.

Topic 2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table
discussion.

Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor.Pictures
and explanatory graphics.

Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and
fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other.
Helpline and support groups.

Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the
right
place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open
forum.

Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your
health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.

Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel
parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.

Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises,
meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays,
anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to
be
late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions offered.

CLASSES FOR WOMEN..

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses
are now available for women on the following subjects:


1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha)

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. TV Remotes: For Men Only

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

Edited by jasper, 05 October 2004 - 02:54 PM.

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#19 ~Ayeka~

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Posted 09 October 2004 - 09:33 AM

Posted Image Posted Image

#20 jasper

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Posted 09 October 2004 - 09:41 AM

I am pleased you like them.
Here is another.

Elmo

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you squeeze his tummy. A new employee is hired at
the
Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at
0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The
Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant
about
the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing
up,
putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2
men
march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is
so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor
and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains
of
Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of
small
marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of
fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully
sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday"......



"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
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#21 jasper

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Posted 22 October 2004 - 06:01 AM

Two old ladies old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a
drink and a smoke,
when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut
off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued
smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get
them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself
into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she
wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is,
after all, over 80 years of age),
but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.
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#22 JayDeeJohn

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Posted 22 October 2004 - 06:57 AM

Has anyone seen the subliminal Ad salesman around lately?

#23 jedi

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Posted 24 October 2004 - 04:23 AM

Jasper, I love the old lady/condom/camel one and hereby steal it for my own repertoire.

Thanx!!!

:D :D :D :D :D :D
jedi

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#24 jasper

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Posted 24 October 2004 - 02:15 PM

You are most welcome. :lol:
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#25 cnm

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Posted 24 October 2004 - 02:56 PM

jedi, Is that an Irish Wolfhound? I grew up with them, my family raised them.
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#26 jasper

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Posted 28 October 2004 - 08:35 AM

Here is another one, but in slightly less good taste so do not read if you do not like these.



An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the
railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied
to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free
and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I
scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did
everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"


"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard....was she
pretty??"

"Dunno...Never found the head!"
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#27 jasper

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Posted 04 November 2004 - 12:32 PM

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I
promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the
hours
passed and the drinks went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m. a bit
loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in
the hall started up and Cuckooed three times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another
nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such
a
quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), In order to
escape
a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told
him "Midnight." He didn't seem annoyed at all. Whew! Got away
with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit," cuckooed four more times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, laughed, cuckooed twice
more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Edited by jasper, 04 November 2004 - 12:43 PM.

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#28 ~Ayeka~

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Posted 04 November 2004 - 04:18 PM

Posted Image Posted Image Posted Image

Hilarious!!

#29 thepheonicks

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Posted 05 November 2004 - 11:20 PM

Howto: Shower like a man-
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look in the mirrior, look at your wiener and scratch your butt.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12.. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo'sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.
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#30 thepheonicks

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Posted 05 November 2004 - 11:22 PM

Howto: Shower like a woman-
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
<span style='font-size:14pt;line-height:100%'>./configured</span>
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#31 dave38

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Posted 07 November 2004 - 05:49 AM

A few questions: -

1 If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

2 If a tin whistle is made of tin, what is a foghorn made of?

3 Why are do it yourself shops always built by someone else?

4 If olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made from?
Be wary of strong drink. It may make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss!
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#32 cluelesssoxgal

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Posted 07 November 2004 - 07:50 AM

OUTDOOR BARBECUING

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing - It's the only type of cooking a
"real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the
following chain of events is put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The mans ask the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

#33 Zero

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Posted 07 November 2004 - 12:03 PM

There were three people on an airplane, Thomas Jefferson, Bill Clinton and George Bush. Thomas Jefferson take a 100 dollar bill and throws it out the window and says:

"I just saved a family!"

So George Bush throws out two 100 dollar bills and says:

"I just saved two families!"

Bill Clinton looks at Mr. Jefferson and pushes George out the airplane and says:

"I just saved the world"

#34 cluelesssoxgal

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Posted 07 November 2004 - 12:28 PM

LOVE IT! :blink:

#35 jasper

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Posted 07 November 2004 - 02:30 PM

I loved them especially about men having a shower, brilliant.
And great to see someone else adding jokes here as well.
keep them coming. :lol: :lol: :lol:
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#36 helperatwork

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Posted 07 November 2004 - 03:05 PM

HI Jasper,
I went through a few of your articles and they all were good especially the one regarding the presidents, but your true story regarding the man who got killed on route to suicide has inspired me to add a collection of my own....... He had a real bad day and following are some examples of some really bad days one could have.

Think you are having a bad day?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section
of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire.
The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba
tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns,
but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a
positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine
how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving
off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters,
seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called
in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was
dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like
Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke
in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.



Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby
in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally
slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars,
was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband
cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door.
She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on
a fairly large hill, went down the several flights
of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the
wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside.
She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with
some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home,
looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done
to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled
himself with a cigarette while attending to his business.
About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and
her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom
floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks,
legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.
The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance
they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping
the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.




Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two
of the most expensively saved animals were being released back
into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.



Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending
to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two pieces.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.




STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly,
all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken
fence, stampeding madly.
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.



What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage
on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and
was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

Edited by helperatwork, 07 November 2004 - 03:07 PM.

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#37 jasper

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Posted 08 November 2004 - 01:35 PM

Brilliant :lol: :lol: :lol: and priceless.
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#38 cluelesssoxgal

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Posted 08 November 2004 - 02:41 PM

^_^ IT IS TIME TO CALL IT A NIGHT WHEN>>>>>>

>1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
>
>2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while
>yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.
>
>3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe
>I could do it too.
>
>4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker
>than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
>
>5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor (which I'm eating even though
>I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
>
>6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
>
>7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
>
>8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
>
>9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
>
>10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or
>dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
>
>11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep
>them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
>
>12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
>
>13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just
>lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
>
>14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen
>floor.
>
>15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG
>WAY but..."
>
>16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
>
>17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
>
>18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)
>and take a quick nap.
>
>19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on
>the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.
>
>20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having
>problems walking straight.
>
>21. I start believing that everyone in the room wants to see my boobs.
:blush2:

#39 helperatwork

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Posted 09 November 2004 - 11:43 AM

Hope you all liked my first attempt.

Here are a few jokes to cheer at.

1. A guy always ordered two glasses of beer everytime he visited the local pub. Once, the waiter asked him why do you drink two glasses of beer ? (This question might surprise you because alot drink even more than that!) . The guy replied, I used to come here with my friend and we both had drinks together, now when he is no more, I drink two glasses, one on his behlaf.
Then after a few days, the same man ordered only one glass and continued to drink one tha following days, the waiter then asked, Sir, now you have started drinking only one, why is that.
The guy replied, my friend, I have given up drinking ! ......

Edited by helperatwork, 09 November 2004 - 03:50 PM.

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#40 cnm

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Posted 09 November 2004 - 11:51 AM

"Adults only" jokes are not appropriate here.
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#41 helperatwork

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Posted 09 November 2004 - 01:47 PM

1. A man walked into the toilet.
He sat down on the commode to relax himself when he heard a voice of a woman from the next cabin. "Hi- How are you sweetheart ?" The man, a bit confused, said "I i I am fine". The next question from the woman came as "What are you doing darling?"... The man, more confused this time, replied, "I am just a bit busy, you know?".. Then again a question was asked, "Can I come over?", The guy replied, "It wont be a right time ", just then the woman in the other toilet spoke out "I will call you later honey, there is a jerk siiting in the next toilet and replying to every question I am asking you!!!"



2. A Sardar asks his girlfriend to come to his house tomorrow as no one would be home. The next day, the girl puts on her best dress and goes to the Sardar's house, there was actually no one in the house......


3. Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."


4. Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The applicant said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"

The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."



5. The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Edited by helperatwork, 09 November 2004 - 01:56 PM.

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#42 cowsgonemadd3

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Posted 09 November 2004 - 03:25 PM

Those were good! I bet knowone knows me here! I havent been here much sorry about that!
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#43 jasper

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Posted 09 November 2004 - 03:41 PM

"Adults only" jokes are not appropriate here.

View Post


Thank you cnm. I hope everyone does keep them clean.



Please remember folks that people reading these are of all ages and are most likely pulling their hair out because of PC problems. They need some light relief to ease the stress, so please keep them clean and keep them coming.

And thank you to all the new posters who have joined me.

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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#44 cluelesssoxgal

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Posted 09 November 2004 - 08:03 PM

were my jokes inappropriate?
Sorry, if they were....

#45 cnm

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Posted 09 November 2004 - 08:23 PM

were my jokes inappropriate?
Sorry, if they were....

View Post

No, yours were fine. :D
Helperatwork had some bad ideas.
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#46 helperatwork

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Posted 11 November 2004 - 04:18 PM

A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out. She's not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?"
The farmer writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are buried."
But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don't find one single weapon.

The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes."



A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can.


Stammerer: "I hea..hea... heard tha...that you can hel...hel...help me".
Speech therapist: "Yes, sure. Ease yourself in the chair, look straight in my eyes, and count slowly till ten".
Stammerer: "O...one, t...two, th...th...three, ..... eight, nine, ten. It's wonderful, I don't stammer anymore!"
Speech therapist: "My fee is 300 dollar."
Stammerer: "H...h...how mu...mu...much?!



Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."



An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
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#47 Indrid_Cold

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Posted 12 November 2004 - 03:04 AM

Horse goes into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender looks up and asks, "hey, why the long face?"
Hope is not a method.

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#48 helperatwork

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Posted 12 November 2004 - 06:03 AM

Good one Indrid :D , I like such kind of jokes.

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.
"Fifty cents."



A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.

The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.

One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar."
In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?"
"No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."



While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."

Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."

The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."

Edited by helperatwork, 12 November 2004 - 06:05 AM.

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#49 jasper

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Posted 12 November 2004 - 06:48 AM

Excellent :lol:
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#50 jasper

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Posted 13 November 2004 - 06:25 PM

I have just recieved this one from my sister (it does sound familiar) I hope you like it.

> A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
> attitude and an even worse
> vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and
> laced with profanity.
>
> John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
> only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think
> of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
>
> Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
> back. John shook the parrot and
> the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his
> hands, grabbed the
> bird and put him in the freezer.
>
> For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
> suddenly there was total quiet.
> Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the
parrot,
> John quickly opened
> the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's
> outstretched
> arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language
and
> actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and
I
> fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
> behaviour."
>
> John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
> ask the parrot what had made such a
> dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the
> turkey did?"
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