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A QUICK JOKE


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#51 helperatwork

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Posted 14 November 2004 - 12:09 AM

:D LOL :D

Okay, heres one more on parrots.
John had a female parrot who was even ruder than the parrot jasper told about. She would abuse anyone entring or leaving the house. She would taunt the guy who owned her.
Once the guy had a visitor who was a close friend of his. As soon as the visitor entered, he was welcomed by a wave of taunts and abuses by the parrot. John said, this parrot is not going to learn manners, she is like that since the beginning. His friend said that I will take her to my home and put it in the cage with my two male parrots. He went on to say that my parrots are spiritual and religious, and she will improve staying with them.
John was more that happy to do this. So the visitor took the parrot home. The two of his parrots were busy praying. One was bowing infront of GOD and the other was meditating. The guy put the female parrot into the cage and the parrot that was meditating opened his eyes. With a grin on his face, he called his partner, "Buddy, stand up! Our prayers are answered finally."

A judge said to the culprit that all the clues speak against you. He said that your fingerprints were found on the neck of the person killed.
The culprit replied innocently,"That's not true your honour! I was wearing gloves!!!"

A mother asked her daughter to get some sugar from the neighbours. The daughter returned after sometime and said that the woman is refusing to give sugar.
The mother replied," Oh God, what time has come? The neighbours dont help their neighbours! Okay honey, get some sugar from the cabinet."
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#52 jedi

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Posted 14 November 2004 - 03:20 AM

Two country boys decide to go to Rome to see the Pope. When they hit the big city they decide to have a drink or two.
They go to the nearest bar and there are so many different drinks they can't decide what to have.
So one of them asks the barman;
'What does the Pope drink?'
Barman says;
'I have heard he likes a glass of creme de menthe now and again'
'Right' says the country guy, 'we'll have two pints of that then'

Next morning they wake up in the gutter, heads pounding and covered in mud, blood and vomit.
One guy looks at the other and says;
'Hell, if that's what the Pope drinks no wonder they carry him around in a chair!'

Edited by jedi, 14 November 2004 - 03:21 AM.

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#53 Guest_Ghost_*

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Posted 14 November 2004 - 03:39 AM

There once was a man from nantucket... haha jj.

#54 linc

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Posted 14 November 2004 - 03:57 PM

50 Actual Newspaper Headlines

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops Off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired

#55 Lekonua

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Posted 14 November 2004 - 07:33 PM

A man went out with his friends one night and came home very drunk.
He took his shoes off to prevent his wife from waking up. As he was walking up the stairs, he slipped and fell on the bottle of whiskey in his back pocket.
He went into the bathroom and found a box of bandaids.
After half an hour of covering the hundreds of small cuts on his backside, he tiptoed into bed with his wife.

The next moring his wife says, "I see you were drunk last night."
The man asks, "How do you know?
His wife replies, "Well, maybe it's the broken glass all over the floor or the trail of blood drops leading into the bedroom, but mostly, it's all of those bandaids stuck all over the bathroom mirror."


My friend sent me that in an e-mail. I got another one but is rather inappropriate.

Edited by Lekonua, 14 November 2004 - 07:34 PM.


#56 linc

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Posted 15 November 2004 - 04:09 PM

Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde
who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm
and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob,
how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my
wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you
persuade her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only
50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

Men and the Laundry
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
I replied, "It depends what does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Green Bay Packers."
(And they say blondes are dumb!)

"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two
naked men are climbing towards my bedroom window!"
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to
transfer you to the Police Department."
"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

Now Close Your Eyes And...
An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north
of the Missouri State line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was
speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and
he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to
be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the
driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a
ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment
on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad
car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could,
so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then
went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car,
opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The
drunk replied, "Might as well take my butt on to jail, there's no way in
hell I can pass that test."

#57 jasper

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Posted 16 November 2004 - 03:53 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol:
These are getting better!!!!!!!!!!
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#58 linc

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Posted 17 November 2004 - 03:15 PM

not a joke, but how many could you give the answers to.
Could You Have Passed the 8th Grade in 1895?

In 1885 the 8th grade was considered upper level education. Many
children quit school as soon as they could master the basic
fundamentals of the 3 R's (reading, writing and arithmetic). Most
never went past the 3rd or 4th grade. That's all you needed for the
farm and most city jobs. Child labor laws were not in existence.
Additionally today's education has much more focus on technology and
sociology than the grammar and geography of old. It's a different
world with different requirements and capabilities needed to
succeed.

This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 from Salina, KS. It
was taken from the original document on file at the Smoky Valley
Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS and reprinted by the
Salina Journal.

=================================

8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS - 1895

Grammar (Time, one hour)

1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.

2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no
modifications.

3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.

4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of
do, lie, lay and run.

5. Define Case, Illustrate each Case.

6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of
Punctuation.

7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that
you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)

1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.

2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many
bushels of wheat will it hold?

3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts.
per bu., deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?

4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary
levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have
$104 for incidentals?

5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.

6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7
percent.

7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at
$20 per m?

8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.

9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance
around which is 640 rods?

10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)

1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.

2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.

3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.

4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.

5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.

6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.

7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln,
Penn, and Howe?

8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800,
1849, and 1865?

Orthography (Time, one hour)

1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic orthography,
etymology, syllabication?

2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?

3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph,
subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?

4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'.

5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e'. Name two
exceptions under each rule.

6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.

7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word:
Bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, super.

8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and
name the sign that indicates the sound: Card, ball, mercy, sir, odd,
cell, rise, blood, fare, last.

9. Use the following correctly in sentences, Cite, site, sight,
fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.

10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate
pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)

1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?

2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?

3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?

4. Describe the mountains of N.A.

5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver,
Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fermandez, Aspinwall and
Orinoco.

6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.

7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each.

8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same
latitude?

9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to
the sources of rivers.

10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the
earth.


and to make up for that,

A Skydiving lesson

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my
first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the
time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.

One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't
open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered,
"The rest of your life."

There's a parrot on the plane

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot
strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where
upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The
stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and
forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass
and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the
girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach
"I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick
you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and
thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging
downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't
fly, you complain too much!"

#59 helperatwork

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Posted 17 November 2004 - 04:35 PM

Hitler and Stalin are sitting in a bar. This guy walks in and asks the barman. Isn’t that

Hitler and Stalin?
And the barman says “Yep, that’s them”
So the guy walks over and says: “Hello, what are u guys doing?”
And Hitler says: “We’re planning world war 3”
And the guy says: “Really? What’s going to happen?”
And Hitler says:” Well, we’re going to kill 14 million Jews this time and one bicycle

repairman.” And the guy exclaims: “A bicycle repairman?!!!”
So Hitler turns to Stalin and says:” See, I told you no-one would worry about the
14 million Jews!”



A man picks up a girl in a party. They proceed to her

place and things are starting to heat up. He takes

his shirt off and washes his hands. He takes his pants

off and washes hands again.

So the girl tells him: “I bet you’re a dentist.”

Surprised he says: “that’s correct, how did you know?”

“You washed your hands a few times, so I figured

you’re used to it.” They go on and they have sex.

Then she says: “you know what? I’m willing to bet

you’re a very good dentist.”

“How can you tell?” he asks.

“I didn’t feel a thing...”




"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "you've got to help
me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when
all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away."
"I see. What do you want me to do?"
The patient implored, "Break my arms."




A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s

hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?”

The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure.

When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand

fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question,

if she doesn’t respond keep

moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner.

He stands

fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner,

honey?”

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind

her and asks again.



Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again,

no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey,

what’s for supper?”

She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf!

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#60 cowsgonemadd3

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Posted 17 November 2004 - 05:27 PM

This came out of a headline.

Two gay bulls and one unbred heifer for sale!

Get it?
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Prayer Changes!
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#61 linc

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Posted 18 November 2004 - 03:45 PM

A snail buys a fast new car
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for
being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the
difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the
Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest
Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it
repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees
me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell
a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small
fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring
happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see
him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"




Air Force One crashes

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken
the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was
totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree
line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking
hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff.

To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far
away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround
the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of
breath.

"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States
airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off
his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the
morning."

"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in
disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his
work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he
is."

#62 helperatwork

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Posted 18 November 2004 - 04:07 PM

1."I'm never going to work for that man again"
"Why, what did he say?"
"You're fired"


2."Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."


3.The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked him.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."


4.The boss came early in the morning one day and found an employee kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The employee replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

5.A big company offered $50 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees. First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $25.
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#63 linc

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Posted 19 November 2004 - 04:01 PM

Things You'd Never Expect to see in a Normal Day

1. A cop at Dunkin Donuts investigating a robbery.

2. A fire department on fire.

3. A sale on beer before SuperBowl Sunday.

4. A vegetarian eating at a steakhouse.

5. An oversized rodent carrying a dead cat in its mouth.

6. Republicans and Democrats agreeing on something.

7. A Nicoret Ash Tray.

8. A tree hugger stapling "Save the Trees" posters to trees.

9. A teenager doing their homework on Friday night.

10. A lemonade stand charging you sales tax.


You Know You Need A New Lawyer When...

When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five
each other.

During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to
the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.



Attempts by the dumb

SIX DIE TRYING TO SAVE CHICKEN - August 1, 1995

CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Six people drowned yesterday while trying to
rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An
18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well.

He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him
down, police said.

His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in
one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then
came to help, but they apparently were pulled down by the same
undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the
well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The
chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

Man Killed Repairing Truck - April 1, 1995

Kalamazoo Gazette -- James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in
March as he was trying to repair what police described as a
"farm-type dump truck. " Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a
highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could find the source of
a troubling noise. Burns's clothes caught on something, however, and
the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Bathroom Philosophy

Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are
sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating
life s problems. Here are a few gems.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
- Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
- Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
- Revolution Books. New York, New York.

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
- Men's restroom, Champaign, IL

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're
going to have trouble with it.
- Women's restroom, Dallas, Texas.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her crap.
- Mens Room, Linda's Bar and Grill., Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of
progress? Congress!
- Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

#64 jasper

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Posted 19 November 2004 - 05:07 PM

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES ?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front
of
him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he
wipes
a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter,
dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here
at this time of night?" Do you remember when I met you and you were
only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that
her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?"
"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.
The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun
in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you
to
jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes
another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."
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#65 linc

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Posted 21 November 2004 - 05:22 AM

Boarding from what gate?

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the
boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the
public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience,
but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.

Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight
570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the
original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address
voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical
fitness program.

They're boasting about race records

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast
about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says
another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting
there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but
in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed
silence. "A talking dog."

Did you understand me?

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides
being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or
funny.

Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges
in dealing with people.
When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?"
What do you mean NO TICKETS?"
The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir,"
she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"

These came from Australia.

BROOKVALE IDIOT The North Shore Times News crime column reported
that a man walked into Brookvale Macdonald's at 8:50AM, flashed a
gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because she said
she couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the
man ordered a Big Mac, the clerk said they weren't available until
10:30am as only the breakfast menu was on offer. Frustrated, the
man walked away.

ADELAIDE IDIOTS Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM machine
in Adelaide's Henley Street by running a chain from the machine to
the bumper of their Toyota Landcruiser, but instead of pulling the
front panel off the Machine they pulled the bumper off their 4WD.
Scared, and attracting attention from oncoming traffic, they left
the scene and drove home, with the chain still attached to the
machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and with their
vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. No, they did
not use a stolen car.

WOLLONGONG IDIOT A man walked into a Seven-Eleven, put a $20 bill
on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash
drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the
register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash
from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The
total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

ROOTY HILL IDIOT Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over
his head at the window with all his might. The brick bounced back
and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
Apparently, the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. And the
whole event was caught on videotape, which the store owner
consequently sold for use on TV.

CAMPBELLTOWN IDIOT As a female shopper exited the Campbelltown
K-Mart in Queen Street, a man grabbed her purse and ran. A shop
assistant at K-Mart called the Police immediately and the woman was
able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher, trying to mingle
in the shopping crowd on Queen Street. They put him in the car and
drove back to the K-Mart store. The thief was then taken out of the
car and up to the K-Mart front desk and told to stand there for a
positive ID. To which he replied; "Yes, Officer, that's her. That's
the lady I stole the purse from ."

PORT MACQUARIE IDIOT When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a
motor home parked on a Port Macquarie street, he got much more than
he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man
curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police
spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal petrol and
plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.He had
tried to siphon the petrol by first sucking it up the hose. The
owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was
the best laugh he'd ever had.

#66 helperatwork

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Posted 21 November 2004 - 03:22 PM

1."Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

2. A woman rushes to the Doctor's room and cries," Doc, please do something, my son has swallowed my pen".
"Dont worry, you can take my pen " replies the doctor.

3. "Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"

4. A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."


5. A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

6. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

7. A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

8. "The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

9. A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
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#67 jedi

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Posted 21 November 2004 - 04:30 PM

This guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, sits at the bar and says to the barman,
'It's a bit quiet in here. If you don't mind, I've got something in this suitcase which may liven the place up a bit.'
'OK' says the barman, 'let's have a look then.'
So the guy opens the suitcase, lifts out a minature piano and puts it on the bar. It's followed by a small piano stool, and finally he takes out a foot tall man, who sits down at the piano, and starts to play some hot jazz numbers.
'That's amazing' says the barman, 'where did you find him?'
'Well' the guy says, 'I went on holiday to the Middle East recently, and I was walking along a beach when I found this old bottle half-buried in the sand. Out of curiosity I pulled the stopper out, and a genie emerged.
'A thousand thankyous effendi,' the genie said to me, 'I have been imprisoned in that bottle for ten thousand years, and as you have freed me I will grant you your greatest desire.'
The guy paused, and looked sadly at the barman.
'Well,' he said, 'I guess after ten thousand years he was getting a bit deaf, because he must have thought I asked for a twelve inch pianist."
jedi

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#68 linc

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Posted 22 November 2004 - 02:56 AM

Have you ever wondered why...

People who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about
the mentality of the Japanese?

People who can't pay their credit card bills have a plan for
dealing with the national debt?

People who aren't on speaking terms with their families know
how to achieve peace in the Middle East?

People who flunked high school physics can explain what went
wrong at NASA?

Men who haven't had a date in six months know what women
really want?


41 Questions That Make You Think
1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty
litter?
2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

3. If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the
box?
4. When a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
5. Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through

teller machines?
6. How did a fool and his money get together?
7. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to
the
pan?
8. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
9. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
10. What's another word for thesaurus?
11. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
12. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
13. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
14. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream
container?
15. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
16. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
17. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they
taste funny?
18. When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn?
19. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
20. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
21. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people
at
the special olympics?
22. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
23. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
24. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
27. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
28. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
29. Is it possible to be totally partial?
30. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
31. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with

their lights off?
32. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a
sound?
33. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right
to remain silent?
34. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
35. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
36. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
37. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
38. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
39. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
40. Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when
they're already there?
41. Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef
mammal"
or "chicken bird!"


Accidental Accident Reports

What a Little Grammar Mistake Can Do
The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26,
1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car
drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as
possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm
that incompetency can be highly entertaining.

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with
a tree I don't have.

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of
its intent.

3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way
home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up,
obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at
the wheel and had an accident.

7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my
universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other
vehicle.

9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared
in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me
unable to avoid the accident.

10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my
hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.

11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other
side of the road when I struck him.

12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced
off the hood of my car.

13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a
small car with a big mouth.

14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was
later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up
when I put my head through it.

17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck
the pedestrian.

18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of
times before I hit him.

19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over
him.

20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and
vanished.

21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

#69 Lekonua

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Posted 23 November 2004 - 05:25 PM

Doctor: I have some good news, and some bad news.

Patient: What's the good news?

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: That's the good news? I can't imagine anything worse! What's the bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to tell you about it since yesterday.

Edited by Lekonua, 23 November 2004 - 05:26 PM.


#70 linc

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Posted 24 November 2004 - 03:53 PM

Top Ten Real Excerpts From Performance Evaluations

10. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
like a rat in a trap."

9. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock
bottom and has started to dig."

8. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to
change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them."

4. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts,
the better."

3. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
idiot."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

1. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

Top Ten Things Not To Say At A Funeral

1. What's that smell?

2. So who's that sleeping in the box?

3. I wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit.

4. I would have loaned him my good rope if I'd known what he
was using it for!

5. (to the widow) Now that you're single, how about a date?

6. It must suck to be dead.

7. (crying) I guess this means I'm out of the buck he owes me!

8. When do we eat?

9. Can I have his car?

10. People sure look stupid dead.

Did you understand me?

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides
being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or
funny.

Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges
in dealing with people.
When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?"
What do you mean NO TICKETS?"
The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir,"
she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"

#71 jasper

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Posted 27 November 2004 - 01:38 PM

WinkYour Age By Chocolate Maths

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

It takes less than a minute....... Work this out as you read.

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to
have chocolate. (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)

3. Add 5. (for Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the
calculator...............

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1754....If you
haven't, add 1753 .

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times
you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)


THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2004) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND
WHILE
IT LASTS

Jasper

Edited by jasper, 27 November 2004 - 01:41 PM.

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#72 Mr. Swenk

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Posted 27 November 2004 - 02:08 PM

WOAH!!!
Useful Links
Cleaners
Ad-Aware CWShredder Hijack This!
Sasser virus Removal
Sasser Removal

Proudly Developped CWS Search in VB6 and VB7(.NET)


Co-Owner of TechnoFusionElite.com > Personal Domain

#73 jasper

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Posted 27 November 2004 - 05:46 PM

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynaecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.
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#74 jasper

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Posted 27 November 2004 - 05:48 PM

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country!"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That low-down scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH !)

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca

"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel! l Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP (damn he's smart)

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, if they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman


Feeling smarter yet?
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#75 linc

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Posted 29 November 2004 - 03:53 PM

Top Ten Real Excerpts From Performance Evaluations

10. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
like a rat in a trap."

9. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock
bottom and has started to dig."

8. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to
change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them."

4. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts,
the better."

3. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
idiot."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

1. "I would not allow this employee to breed."


12 Shots


A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking
them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I
had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, " 50p."


Evolution of Treatments

Evolution of Treatments

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.



Excuse Notes

These are excuse notes from parents (including original
spelling) collected by schools from all over the country.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E.
today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had
her shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28,
29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he
fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of
his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing
football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been
bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose
vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had
(diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the sh*ts. [words in ( )'s
were crossed out.]

12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had
diarrhea and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas
shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we
found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to
attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had
a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in
bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was
also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade
fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore
throat and fever. There must be something going around,
her father even got hot last night.

24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school
yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him
ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

#76 deadmanschest

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Posted 29 November 2004 - 07:43 PM

:)

"A vacationing penguin is driving a rental car through southern Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is flashing on. He stops, and sees oil dripping down under the engine. He slowly drives to town and the first gas station. He drops the car off with the busy mechanic and goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.

He gets a really big dish of vanilla ice cream. Having flippers and no hands he makes a real mess. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the garage and asks the mechanic about the oil leak.

The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like [Sorry folks, inappropriate here and removed. cnm]." "Oh no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

dmc

Edited by cnm, 29 November 2004 - 08:19 PM.


#77 theflyingaj

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Posted 29 November 2004 - 08:07 PM

what do you call a fish without any eyes?

fsh!

:p

#78 cnm

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Posted 29 November 2004 - 08:28 PM

There are some good ones here.
theflyingaj, I like the fsh. :)

People, keep them entirely clean or I will have to close this thread...
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How camest thou in this pickle? -- William Shakespeare:(1564-1616)
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UNITE

#79 helperatwork

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Posted 30 November 2004 - 04:56 AM

1. "A cure for ugliness"
A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face Posted Image down on that couch."
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#80 linc

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Posted 30 November 2004 - 04:35 PM

Fear of bombs on planes

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had
relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she
hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was
always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess
demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself
silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics
she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who
was an actuary.

"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone
will have a bomb on a plane?"

The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small
chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."

She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two
people having a bomb on the same plane?"

Again he went through his tables.

"Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.

And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

Find out about the cat

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides
being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or
funny.

A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides.
During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing
up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the
limousine's back seat.

The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger.
Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"

I deserve a first class seat

A woman gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class
section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells
her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class
ticket. The woman replies, "I'm a woman, I'm smart, I have a good
job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the
woman to leave. The woman yet again repeats "I'm a woman, I'm
smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we
reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do
at this point because they still have to get the rest of the
passengers seated to take off; the woman is causing a problem with
boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the woman and whispers in her ear. She
immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The
head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get
her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her
the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

#81 Bjerrk

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Posted 02 December 2004 - 10:20 AM

The copilot replies, "I told her
the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

View Post


LOL :D :D

I liked that one :)

-Bjerrk

#82 jasper

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Posted 02 December 2004 - 11:43 AM

The copilot goes up to the woman and whispers in her ear. She
immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The
head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get
her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her
the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

View Post



Brilliant :lol:
Member of ASAP

#83 Bjerrk

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Posted 02 December 2004 - 12:30 PM

What do you call a dog with no feet?
nothing! It wont come when you're calling anyway :p

-Bjerrk

#84 linc

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Posted 02 December 2004 - 03:22 PM

Woman Pilot

A woman pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.
So up the woman went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly.

She reached 2,000 feet. The woman and the instructor kept talking via radio.
Everything was running smoothly.
At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods.
The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the woman was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the woman was walking out.
"What happened?" the instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached
3,000 feet. What happened then?"
"Well," began the woman, "I got cold. So I turned off the big fan."



Duck Hunting Lawyer


A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot a bird, but it fell into a field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys In the U.S., and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."
The farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."


Heaven?


A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no heaven.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact.
"Mary... Mary..."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly -- I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

#85 linc

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Posted 03 December 2004 - 04:20 PM

Mystery Gift

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.

Since this was a new home, the process took some time. The silver
went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line.
"Guess who sent them."
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort.
They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
"Now you know!"


Presents for teacher

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is... It's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is... It's a box of candy!".
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked?
"No," the boy answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!"


Sarah Finkel, in Room 302

A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse".
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
"I will connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302"
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic..that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Not exactly, I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything!"



Siblings


A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair.
"Don't be angry," the mother says. "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...
"Now she knows."

#86 helperatwork

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Posted 06 December 2004 - 04:13 AM

Wife: Tell me the truth! How many girls have you slept with?

Husband: Only with you love, with the others I was awake whole night
:lol:


The traffic policeman stopped the car driver for crossing the traffic signal on a red.
'Didn't you see the red light?' Growled the policeman.
'Yes i did', replied the driver, 'But I didn't see you!'
:lol:


A plane was about to Take-off.
The pilot spoke to the passengers," Hi, this is your pilot. We will be flying at an altitude of 18,000 ft at a speed of 500 mph. We will reach our destination in 2 hours".
The pilot forgets to turn off the mic and goes on to say to his co-pilot, "Now, I will drink my coffee, then I will call Sandra(the air hostess), grab her by the waist, bring her closer and kiss....", hearing this, Sandra rushes to the cockpit to stop the pilot from speaking further.. On way, she hits a passenger who replies,
" Dont hurry! he will drink coffee first !"
:lol:


Teacher to Student, "
You cannot sleep in my class!!

Student: "I can, if you lower your voice a bit!"
:lol:


A guy rushing on his bicycle hits a policeman.

Policeman , " Cant you hit the brakes"
The guy replies, " What about brakes, I hit the whole cycle"
:lol:
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#87 ErikAlbert

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Posted 06 December 2004 - 06:13 AM

Computer programmers : during the day they put the software in the hardware, at night they do it the other way.

(That's the cleanest joke, I know.)
ErikAlbert
Simplicity is always brilliant.

#88 helperatwork

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Posted 07 December 2004 - 08:34 AM

Removed. cnm

Edited by cnm, 07 December 2004 - 10:16 AM.

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#89 linc

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Posted 07 December 2004 - 04:05 PM

One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation:
"My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon
that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a
$10 sermon that lasts a full hour. "Now, we'll take the collection and
see which one I'll deliver."

-------------------------------------------



We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several
former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our
minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the
importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the
bishop does?" There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered
gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."

-------------------------------------------


I am a special minister in our Catholic church (I help distribute
communion). Father and the special ministers were waiting in the
vestibule at the last mass on Passion Sunday while our lector was
making the announcements. She was saying "We printed extra church
bulletins today, but we are out of bulletins for this mass. However,
ourbulletin is on our web site so you can access it there." then went on toanother announcement. I said to no one in particular "So what is theaddress of the web site." Father said "It's printed in the bulletin."


--------------------------------------------------

A gentleman had been trying for years to meet the Pope. Finally, his
wish was granted. When the gentleman approached the Pope he said, "Your
Eminence, I am so happy to be given this chance to speak with you and I
would like to tell you a joke before I start." The Pope replied, "Of
course my son. Go ahead and tell your joke." The gentleman continued,
"There were these two Pollacks and..." The Pope interrupted, "My son,
doyou realize that I am Polish?" "I'm sorry, your Eminence, I'll speak
slower . . ."

-------------------------------------------------

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front
of the holy water and splashed some of it on both of his legs, then
throws away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and ran
intothe rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest said, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me,where is this man?" "Flat on his behind over by the holy water,
Father."

#90 Jamest

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Posted 07 December 2004 - 07:52 PM

A couple of monks decided to spruce up their abby by adding a bellfrey to it. After they finished construction, all the townspeople agreed it was very nice. But the monks still had to pay off the lenders the money they had borrowed. The monks decide to open a nicelittle flower shop. So the abby starts selling flowers from its garden. Things go rather well for them, however, there is another florist in town. He comes to the monks, soon after they have openned their flower shop and begs for them to close down. They're cutting into his business and he's not making any money. The friars tell the man that they understand his position, but they need the money to pay for the bellfrey. He walks away dejectedly. The next week he sends his mother to talk to the monks. When she explains that the monks are as good as taking food off her family's table and are making it impossible for her son to provide for her in her 'golden' years, the monks nod and tell the woman that it is God's will. She will be stronger for the brief suffering. Finally, at his wits end, the florist hires the town bully, Hugh Smith, to have a talk with the monks about closing their business. The next day, after the little discussion, the monks close up shop and figure out another way to pay back the lenders.

Which goes to show that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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#91 Noone

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Posted 08 December 2004 - 12:58 AM

We write banking software for mini-computers. Our Help Desk got a call from a customer who was new to mini-computer operations. The call went something like this:
  • Customer: "There is smoke coming from the back of the computer. What should I do?"
  • Tech Support: "Get out of the computer room and call the fire department."
  • Customer: "Should I make a backup first?"
  • Tech Support: "Get out of the computer room and call the fire department."
  • Customer: "Shouldn't I at least run the shutdown procedure?"
  • Tech Support: "Get out of the computer room and call the fire department."
It's amazing how much common sense people can lose once they sit down at a computer, isn't it?

Edited by Noone, 08 December 2004 - 12:59 AM.


#92 Noone

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Posted 08 December 2004 - 01:01 AM

Another one I found:

A few years ago, my daughter took over my computer sales and service business. Although she is probably "techier" than I am now, at the time she was pretty inexperienced, particularly when it came to hardware. As part of her training, she assisted me while I did various repairs. I remember stressing to her, "When diagnosing and repairing problems, it's important to stay calm. If you panic, you'll make mistakes."

We were installing a hard drive in one particular machine. The workbench was cluttered, so she had the case, and I had the keyboard and monitor a few feet away. After plugging everything in, I told her to hit the power switch while I got ready to access the CMOS from the keyboard. I was looking at the monitor when I heard her calmly say, "Ok, now the drive's on fire. Is that normal?"

I had certainly never seen a drive actually burst into flames before (obviously it was VERY faulty), and I immediately shouted in a panicked voice "Turn it off! Turn it off!" My daughter, however, was completely calm.

#93 Noone

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Posted 08 December 2004 - 01:10 AM

Another one I like - my favourite out of the lot.

My old boss spent some time writing statistical analysis packages for the Archimedes. One of them got fairly popular for Archie software, and he started a small business selling it. For those who don't know, Archie software usually came as source code and was executed through an interpreter.

One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed that another company was showing Archie software with remarkably similar functionality to his own, so he wandered over. The longer he watched, the more familiar it looked. Eventually, when the sales representative had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a loud voice:
  • My Boss: "Are you using my copyrighted code for this?"
  • Sales Representative: "Of course not."
  • My Boss: "So what happens if you press [key combination]?"
  • Sales Representative: "Nothing."
  • My Boss: "Do it for me."
  • Sales Representative: "Ok sir, but I can assure you it does--"
The screen displayed my boss' copyright notice. All they'd done was remove the front end.

It widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show.

Edited by Noone, 08 December 2004 - 01:12 AM.


#94 linc

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Posted 10 December 2004 - 04:24 PM

Pa Won't Like It

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The
farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the
boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with
us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't
think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't
like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot
better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the
way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."


Sky Dive

A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an
instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the
redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The
instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right
behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck
understood and was ready.

The time came to have the redneck jump from the air plane. The
instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind
him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane and after
being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The
instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor
pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open.
The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open,
darted past the redneck.

The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his
parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"

At the Military Base

It was early morning at the military base, and the first
sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties
listed on a piece of paper:

"Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky"
"Here!" "Seeback"

No answer.

"Seeback!"

No answer was heard again.

"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's
ear. He looked again at what the last name really said,
quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names
printed on the other side.

#95 cowsgonemadd3

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Posted 11 December 2004 - 10:21 AM

Those were great!
Come Visit my channel for new videos from me
Funny Videos From cowsgonemadd3
Prayer Changes!
-Austin Z

#96 helperatwork

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Posted 11 December 2004 - 09:37 PM

Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
I know it's you.
Crap.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A talking pig.
Pigs can’t talk.
Neither can penguins, but I can’t shut him up! Wait till you get a load of the dancing candelabra…

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
You want to buy a kitten?
You want to buy a kitten who?
Make pretty pet.
I’m allergic to cats.
Taste good, too?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
You sure you don’t want buy a little kitten?
Yes, I’m sure.
Could make one cute fuzzy glove?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ted Bundy
Ted Bundy who?
Let me in, meat!
No!
I mean… Hello I am Santa Claus.
Yay! Santa!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A Predator drone-launched Hellfire missile.
Saddam, I think it’s for you!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Gandalf the Gray Wizard, friend to hobbits and elves!
Dork-ass loser.
Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
My mouth is full of spiders.
My mouth is full of spiders who?
I didn’t kill the baby. It was made out of popcorn. Popcorn baby! I need a bucket - my knuckles are melting…
Man, you have got to lay off the cough syrup.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Hitler
Hitler who?
Hitler: German, dictator, mass murderer. Little mustache? “HEIL ME!” Ring a bell?
I thought you were someone else.
How is that possible? There is only ONE HITLER!
Nope. Went to school with a Nelson Hitler.
You’re just trying to annoy me now.


Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
What, and that makes you special?
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#97 cnm

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Posted 11 December 2004 - 10:47 PM

That last one doesn't strike me as all that funny. I'm closing this thread, it's getting so long. People may start to wonder why so many jokes instead of help. ;)

Feel free to start a new thread for jokes, Jasper. I think the shorter jokes were the best. :)
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